If you’ve ever snapped at someone mid-task, gone silent during conflict, or walked away from a conversation thinking, “Why didn’t I just say what I meant?”, you’re not alone. For adults with executive functioning challenges, communication can feel like one more place where things fall apart, especially under stress.

When your brain is already juggling working memory, emotional regulation, and task-switching, it can be hard to pause, find the right words, and express yourself in a way that feels both honest and kind. You may find yourself reacting instead of responding, going along to keep the peace, or avoiding hard conversations altogether.

But communication isn’t just about being “good with words.” It’s a skill that involves self-awareness, emotional management, perspective-taking, and clarity, all of which are impacted by executive functioning. The good news? These are skills that can be supported and improved. One helpful framework that many of my clients benefit from is Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a model developed by Marshall Rosenberg that gives structure to expressing needs without blame or defensiveness.

This post isn’t a full training in NVC, but it will introduce some core concepts and show you how to apply them in real-life moments, especially when your executive functioning is under strain.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a simple, structured approach to communication that helps people express themselves clearly and listen to others with empathy. It’s built around four core components:

1. Observation – What happened, without judgment or exaggeration.
2. Feelings – How you’re feeling in response.
3. Needs – What universal need or value is at play.
4. Request – A clear, actionable ask that could help meet that need.

For example:

“When I saw that the dishes were still in the sink this morning (observation), I felt frustrated (feeling) because I need shared responsibility at home (need). Would you be willing to take care of them this afternoon? (request)”

It sounds simple, but this kind of clarity and care can change the tone of a conversation, especially when you’re feeling reactive, overwhelmed, or misunderstood.

For adults with executive functioning challenges, NVC can act as a scaffold, a mental checklist that organizes what you want to say so you don’t get lost in the moment. Here’s why it works:

• It slows things down. When you’re emotionally flooded or impulsive, the structured format forces a pause.
• It externalizes your thinking. You get to name what you feel and need instead of staying stuck in rumination or resentment.
• It builds working memory support. The four steps give you a repeatable process you can learn and practice.
• It lowers emotional defensiveness. Both for you and the other person, because the language reduces blame and increases clarity.

It strengthens self-awareness. Over time, you’ll get better at noticing what’s really going on underneath the surface.

Let’s be real: when you’re exhausted, emotionally overwhelmed, or mid-task, you’re probably not going to sit down and write a perfect four-part NVC statement. And that’s okay. You don’t have to use the “textbook version” for it to be helpful.

Here are a few realistic ways to start integrating NVC-style communication into your daily life:

Behind every feeling is a need, something important to you that’s either being met or unmet. These needs are universal: things like respect, autonomy, rest, collaboration, or understanding.

When you start noticing the needs underneath your reactions, you can take things less personally and respond more intentionally.

You don’t have to get it perfect; just practicing the question “What need might be underneath this?” builds awareness over time.

This is where a lot of people get stuck. We either hint (“It’d be nice if someone helped around here”) or demand (“You need to fix this now”) and neither approach is very effective.

If you’re not sure what to ask for, it’s okay to say, “I’m still figuring out what I need, I just wanted to be honest about how I’m feeling.”

Here are a few real-world examples of how NVC-style thinking helps adults with executive functioning challenges:

Your partner put a big social event on the calendar without asking.

• Instead of: “Why do you always make plans without checking with me?”
• Try: “I felt caught off guard when I saw that on the calendar. I really value having downtime to recharge. Can we talk about big plans before committing?”

You didn’t follow through on something you said you’d do.

• Instead of: “I’m such a flake.”
• Try: “I’m feeling disappointed because I really value follow-through. I wonder what got in the way and what kind of support I might need next time.”
  

Even self-talk can be reshaped through this lens. When you start identifying your feelings and needs instead of judging yourself, you can move forward instead of getting stuck in shame.

• Write it out first. Journaling or using a note on your phone to draft what you want to say can help you process before you speak.
• Use visual aids. Keep a feelings/needs list handy or create a template you can fill in.
• Practice with low-stakes situations. Try using the model in casual conversations first so it feels more natural when things get tense.
• Reflect afterward. What went well? What felt hard? What do you want to try next time?

Pair it with regulation. Take a walk, breathe, or stretch before starting hard conversations to help your nervous system stay grounded.

You don’t have to be perfectly calm or emotionally fluent to improve your communication. You just need a framework that supports your brain. The principles of Nonviolent Communication offer structure, clarity, and empathy, all of which can be game-changing when your executive functioning is under strain.

Start small. One pause, one feeling named, one clear request. Communication is a skill, and like any skill, it gets easier with practice.

You’re not too much. You’re not too sensitive. You’re just a person learning to say what you mean in a way that honors both yourself and others. And that’s worth practicing.