Life rarely goes as planned. The meeting runs late, your kid gets sick, traffic piles up, or a colleague changes a deadline at the last minute. When you live with ADHD or executive functioning challenges, those shifts can feel even more overwhelming. Your brain is already working hard to manage focus, transitions, and decisions, so when things change unexpectedly, it’s natural to feel stuck, frustrated, or rigid.

That’s where mental flexibility comes in.

Mental flexibility is the ability to adapt your thinking and behavior when circumstances change. It means being able to shift from one plan to another, to see different perspectives, and to adjust your expectations. At the same time, mental flexibility doesn’t mean you should bend in every situation. Sometimes the healthiest choice is to hold firm to your boundaries and values.

Practicing intentional mental flexibility means making conscious decisions about when to flex and when to stand your ground. It’s not about being a pushover or about stubbornly digging in. It’s about pausing, checking in with your goals and values, and choosing a response that supports your well-being in the long run.

It’s tempting to think of flexibility as always good and rigidity as always bad. But both have their place.

• Flexibility helps you roll with changes, lower stress, and stay creative.
• Rigidity (when it’s intentional) can help you hold firm to your values, protect your boundaries, and stay consistent.

The challenge is knowing when each one serves you. Too much rigidity and you burn out, clash with others, or miss opportunities. Too much flexibility and you lose sight of your own priorities and feel walked over.

Intentional flexibility means practicing the skill of discernment. Instead of reacting automatically, you pause to decide: Is this a moment to bend, or to stand firm?

Let’s start with the situations where flexibility is most helpful. Here are some guiding questions:

If a change doesn’t interfere with your long-term values or goals, it might be worth flexing. For example, if your friend wants to meet at a different coffee shop, and it doesn’t impact your schedule much, adjusting might be the easier, less stressful choice.

Sometimes flexibility is the fastest way to resolve a conflict or avoid unnecessary tension. If giving in saves you energy without crossing your boundaries, it may be worth it.

If holding firm creates more stress than it solves, like insisting on a perfectly clean kitchen when you’re exhausted, flexibility may better serve your mental health.

Flexibility often creates space for creativity. Maybe a canceled plan gives you unexpected downtime, or a new idea at work shifts your approach to a project for the better.

If being flexible now helps you conserve energy for more important tasks later, that’s often the wiser choice.

On the flip side, there are times when standing firm is not only appropriate but essential. Here are some clues:

If a request or change conflicts with your core values, it’s a time to stand firm. For example, if you’ve committed to spending device-free time with your family, it’s okay to say no to work emails during dinner.

Flexibility shouldn’t come at the cost of your health, safety, or relationships. If saying yes would overextend you, risk burnout, or harm someone else, standing firm is an act of care.

If saying yes now means you’ll stew in frustration later, that’s not true flexibility, it’s self-betrayal. Resentment is a signal that you need to honor your own needs.

Sometimes sticking to a routine or commitment (like daily exercise or bedtime) is more important than flexing, because consistency builds trust with yourself.

Let’s walk through some real-life scenarios:

• Work: Your boss asks you to stay late, but you promised your child you’d be at their game. Flexibility might mean shifting your work earlier in the day or asking for a deadline extension. Standing firm might mean saying, “I’m not available tonight, but I can come in early tomorrow.”
• Relationships: Your partner wants to change weekend plans. If the change doesn’t interfere with your values or priorities, flexibility may keep things smooth. But if the change conflicts with an important boundary (like rest you’ve been protecting), holding firm is the healthier choice.
• Personal routines: You planned to exercise in the morning, but you’re exhausted. Flexibility might look like moving your workout to later in the day or choosing a lighter activity. Standing firm might mean honoring your commitment to at least 10 minutes of movement.

Each choice is valid depending on your bigger picture. The key is that you’re deciding intentionally, not reacting out of habit or guilt.

As you practice, keep an eye out for these traps:

• Defaulting to rigidity out of anxiety. If change feels scary, you may dig in automatically. Remember to pause and assess.
• Defaulting to flexibility out of guilt. If you say yes just to avoid disappointing others, you may end up depleted.
• All-or-nothing thinking. Flexibility doesn’t mean swinging from extreme rigidity to extreme accommodation. Small adjustments often work best.
• Over-explaining. You don’t need a long justification every time you stand firm. A simple “That doesn’t work for me” is enough.

Like any executive function skill, mental flexibility grows with practice. Here are some ways to build it:

When faced with a conflict, try to imagine how the other person sees the situation. This doesn’t mean you agree; it just stretches your brain’s ability to hold multiple viewpoints.

Remind yourself: Flexibility is a choice, not a failure. Or, Holding my ground is not selfish—it’s self-respect.

Flexibility is easier when your nervous system is regulated. Practices like movement, deep breathing, or a short break can reset your brain and give you more bandwidth to adapt.

Practicing intentional mental flexibility is not about being endlessly adaptable or endlessly firm. It’s about learning the art of discernment when bending helps you, and when standing strong honors you. Both are skills worth practicing.

Your answer will guide you toward choices that support your goals, your energy, and your relationships. That’s the heart of intentional flexibility: choosing on purpose, so you can live on purpose.